So, this is the first time I’ve blogged, so it’s kinda new! Basically I had this dream where I felt like God was telling me to start sharing things about my walk with Him that I would normally keep to myself. I believe that God speaks through dreams just like He did in the Bible. I have this happen some, and when I had this dream, I knew I needed to act on it. The dream was so real that the next morning I thought I had actually had the conversation with my friend, Leah. In my dream, Leah and I were standing on a porch that was right next to a huge beautiful lake. Leah was in tears begging me and crying like it was so very important. She was saying that there needs to be a person who will write down the real life things that God is teaching them. Not just little Bible lessons, but practical things about God and following Him. I usually keep those things to myself, but I think God is wanting me to start sharing these things with you guys. I knew in the dream that I was supposed to write letters to specific people, but probably share it with others also (Little disclaimer before I get started: I don’t claim to know everything and in a year I might look back at things I’ve written and see that I was completely wrong!).
In many ways, I’ve kept parts of my walk with God all to myself. The things I cherish most I have kept hidden away with just me and Him, but I know He wants me to let you all in on my daily, weekly, and monthly life with God. I am so imperfect and always messing up. It seems like every few days I’m asking God all over again “what is my purpose?”, “do You really love me?” So I guess that’s sort of what this letter is about. I’m pulling it straight out of my journal, so it’s my heart revealed as I was crying.
I am desperate to be loved. At times I want to shout at the top of my lungs and beg for someone to love me. I’m looking for love in all the wrong places, and it somehow defeats the purpose if I have to beg. But I think maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be learning. Jesus doesn’t want to beg for my love either. He is just as desperate and starved for love as I am. Sometimes I desperately wish someone would need me, like really need me. I think that is a longing that every human has, the need to be needed.
But you see, I am needed. There is One that I cannot see. One I hardly know. And He needs me more than words can express. He is desperately craving my love. We were made for each other in a way so deep that nothing else can satisfy us. Without Jesus, my life is nothing and I am worthless. What good is a good report card and some fun memories? There has to be more to life! I am constantly looking for more! That “more” can only be satisfied in one Person.
At the same time, only I can satisfy Him. Oh, it sounds like heresy that the God of the universe NEEDS me. But deep inside I have to believe it’s true. I say this with tears. I have to believe that my little life has bigger meaning than what is visible. I have to believe that He created me uniquely in a way that would satisfy Him and bring pleasure to His heart. I know it must be true. It is true between a man and woman. Since marriage is a picture of our relationship with God, it must be true there also. I have to believe it’s so. Somehow I know that the pain I feel now has a purpose. Somehow Jesus will turn it around, and on one glorious Day, this time will be made my joy. Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning! Oh Jesus, let it be so. I need Your comfort and Your love to be my strength.
Back to my questions before. My purpose is to love the Lord with all my heart and life. Why did God make that the first commandment? I think it’s because that’s what He wants more than anything! What better purpose than to give God exactly what He wants! Second, how can I even begin to question Jesus love when He gave everything for me? He died because intense love drove Him to the cross. Even more, He continually lavishes His love on me. I am loved by my Creator!
