Frostbite

I recently had a dream where I was sleeping next to something cold. In the dream, I woke up from a deep sleep without feeling in my feet and discovered they had frostbite. I was scared and wanted to go to the hospital, but my parents said I was fine. They found some ointment that was for frostbite and told me to wash in soap and water then use the ointment. I was persuaded that the stuff would work and began to scrape off the gray, dead skin.

In church the next morning, I started considering the dream. I think it represented the opposite of “sleeping with a heart awake” (Song of Songs 5:2). Not only was I asleep, but my heart had grown cold. There are deadly results to a cold heart. When a heart grows cold, rotting flesh begins to cover the body. As I thought about the ointment, my pastor said the phrase, “You can’t just put a band-aid on it.” I have no idea what the context to that was, but in my mind it fit right in with what I was thinking. The issue of sin clinging to my life cannot be handled with a band-aid and a little cream. I need to go to the Great Doctor, only God can awaken my heart and cause the dead flesh to be removed. I need Holy Spirit’s constant power to overcome compromise in my life.

Many church leaders would give the same advice as my parents in the dream. “Just wash it off and cover it up.” The washing is a part of it. We must constantly be washed with the Water of God’s Word by spending time reading and studying it. But the disease will only be removed by coming before the Doctor for healing. As we spend time in God’s presence through prayer and worship, He will give us victory over the rotting sin in our lives.

I keep seeing these areas of compromise in my life. I want them to all be removed, not so that I can brag about anything, but so that I can love Jesus more fully. I know that He loves me the same in my immaturity as He would if I was perfect. But my desire is that there would be nothing that gets in the way of me loving Him. I want to be whole hearted in love for my Bridegroom. This is the reason I fight against sin, so that I can love Him completely.

Uncovering the Onething Cry

Last weekend, my mom took me and a friend to Onething Nashville! Onething is a ministry out of the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. The conference was wonderful! I needed a spiritual refreshing that I wasn’t getting at home. My heart has been gradually growing harder towards God. That reflected in my lack of prayer and Bible study. I have needed a shift in my life for a long time now; but with school, work, and so many other things calling for my time, it just wasn’t happening.

I have noticed a pattern repeating the past few years. When spring hits, I am ready to be out of school and that’s all I focus on. Spiritually, I hold my breath and wait for summer when I can be refreshed at IHOP. I was determined that this year I would not let the whole spring slide by, but I would dive in and pursue God even harder.

So back to the conference! From the first moments of worship with Merchant Band, I could feel God’s love and delight over me. Jesus is wonderful! As I lost myself in worship, I could feel the worries and pains of the last few months fall away.

One of the most impacting things for me was the afternoon session. It was about simple lifestyle practices to grow in God. The man speaking told a story about people in another country (maybe Nigeria?) who pray in tongues all the time, during conversations, meetings, and all the time. God’s power is on their lives so strong that raising the dead is a normal thing! He said his prayer group tried it for a week. At the end of the week, they all said their hearts were much more alive and sensitive towards God. The neat thing is living that way makes it very hard to sin. You either have to sin while praying, or consciously stop praying to sin!

I decided to try speaking or singing in tongues constantly for a week. What can it hurt? Right now I’m half way through and it’s wonderful! It keeps my mind focused on God which put everything else in perspective. It’s nearly impossible to stay angry for long while talking to God! Most of the battle to live righteously is in the mind, so with a mind set on God it easier to keep from sin. One of the biggest things I have noticed is how little God is in my every day life. Even when I spend two hours a day with Him, there are many other little moments when I can worship Him. But those are the moments most of us consider personal time having nothing to do with God. Why not spend them with Jesus? There is really nothing better to do with the hours of time doing mundane tasks!

To sum it all up, I had lost sight of the “one thing.” The cry was still in my heart, but it took this weekend to uncover it in my heart. Now it is burning fresh and strong in my heart and I am determined that Jesus and I will together remove everything that gets in between us. The areas of compromise in my life have to go, because compromise is sin. This one thing I desire and I will put energy into seeking it; to dwell in the house of the Lord and to behold the beauty of the Lord!

Need for Love

So, this is the first time I’ve blogged, so it’s kinda new! Basically I had this dream where I felt like God was telling me to start sharing things about my walk with Him that I would normally keep to myself. I believe that God speaks through dreams just like He did in the Bible. I have this happen some, and when I had this dream, I knew I needed to act on it. The dream was so real that the next morning I thought I had actually had the conversation with my friend, Leah. In my dream, Leah and I were standing on a porch that was right next to a huge beautiful lake. Leah was in tears begging me and crying like it was so very important. She was saying that there needs to be a person who will write down the real life things that God is teaching them. Not just little Bible lessons, but practical things about God and following Him. I usually keep those things to myself, but I think God is wanting me to start sharing these things with you guys. I knew in the dream that I was supposed to write letters to specific people, but probably share it with others also (Little disclaimer before I get started: I don’t claim to know everything and in a year I might look back at things I’ve written and see that I was completely wrong!).

In many ways, I’ve kept parts of my walk with God all to myself. The things I cherish most I have kept hidden away with just me and Him, but I know He wants me to let you all in on my daily, weekly, and monthly life with God. I am so imperfect and always messing up. It seems like every few days I’m asking God all over again “what is my purpose?”, “do You really love me?” So I guess that’s sort of what this letter is about. I’m pulling it straight out of my journal, so it’s my heart revealed as I was crying.

I am desperate to be loved. At times I want to shout at the top of my lungs and beg for someone to love me. I’m looking for love in all the wrong places, and it somehow defeats the purpose if I have to beg. But I think maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be learning. Jesus doesn’t want to beg for my love either. He is just as desperate and starved for love as I am. Sometimes I desperately wish someone would need me, like really need me. I think that is a longing that every human has, the need to be needed.

But you see, I am needed. There is One that I cannot see. One I hardly know. And He needs me more than words can express. He is desperately craving my love. We were made for each other in a way so deep that nothing else can satisfy us. Without Jesus, my life is nothing and I am worthless. What good is a good report card and some fun memories? There has to be more to life! I am constantly looking for more! That “more” can only be satisfied in one Person.

At the same time, only I can satisfy Him. Oh, it sounds like heresy that the God of the universe NEEDS me. But deep inside I have to believe it’s true. I say this with tears. I have to believe that my little life has bigger meaning than what is visible. I have to believe that He created me uniquely in a way that would satisfy Him and bring pleasure to His heart. I know it must be true. It is true between a man and woman. Since marriage is a picture of our relationship with God, it must be true there also. I have to believe it’s so. Somehow I know that the pain I feel now has a purpose. Somehow Jesus will turn it around, and on one glorious Day, this time will be made my joy. Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning! Oh Jesus, let it be so. I need Your comfort and Your love to be my strength.

Back to my questions before. My purpose is to love the Lord with all my heart and life. Why did God make that the first commandment? I think it’s because that’s what He wants more than anything! What better purpose than to give God exactly what He wants! Second, how can I even begin to question Jesus love when He gave everything for me? He died because intense love drove Him to the cross. Even more, He continually lavishes His love on me. I am loved by my Creator!